Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Sirius / Remus.
Rating: PG13 - R
Summary: What Peter Pettigrew’s world is like. He tells the story of Remus and Sirius through his point of view. Slightly angstsy
I don’t know how long I sat there, on my own, crying. Shivering from the cold breeze that blew in from the open window. I hadn’t made the effort to shut it; I couldn’t see the point. Right now the sound of the howling wind was my only company and I welcomed it.
Sirius hadn’t even invited me along to the trip to Hogsmeade. It was only to replenish their supply of sweets and get a decent store of Butterbeer for the weekend. But still, he had been pushing me around all day and finding reasons to laugh at me or make fun of the way I walk, or talk. Just little things that have been building up bit by bit.
Sirius Black hates me and I know it. The only reason he puts up with me is because the others do. I will never be the wizard that the rest of the Marauder’s were, in fact I can’t even work out why I’m part of the group. Maybe hate is the wrong word, but I know Sirius dislikes me. Sure, he’ll talk to me, help me with homework on the rare occasion. He even hugs me sometimes, that really makes me feel special.
Although, you can’t ignore the tension between us; it’s almost like a glass tank that’s been over filled with water and very slowly its expanding. Building up on the inside before it explodes with such force it sends its contents spewing across the ground for miles.
One day that’s going to happen, one of us is going to crack. It will probably be Sirius, and I will most likely cop the impact of the blow. Remus keeps trying to convince me that Sirius doesn’t hate me and just to let little things like teasing and shoving go, he tells me that’s just Sirius. Maybe it is, maybe I just have a funny way of interpreting things. But for one, I don’t think I’ve ever had or ever will have the privilege of riding on Padfoot’s back. I’m not complaining about James or anything; it’s an honour to be carried by such a great wizard like Prongs. You probably wonder how a rat stays balanced on a stag’s head, to tell you the truth its not all that difficult and you feel pretty well protected with towering antlers on either side of you.
The only time I recall any interaction between Wormtail and Padfoot was my unfortunate fall from atop James’ head. That was a first and I had been so startled by the impact of the ground beneath my paws that I hadn’t noticed the Grindylow closing in on me hungrily. At the last moment a flurry of black had come loping past at full speed and I felt my small self being lifted by gentle jaws and carried to safety. I had been yelled at and called a series of names by Sirius before James had arrived back in the shrieking shack with Remus to cease the dispute.
I admire James; he is one of the best wizards in our year. He even made it to Head boy. How I wish I could be James Potter, I wouldn’t call myself jealous of him. Perhaps envious but that’s as far as I would go. He always gets the top marks in classes; he’s the star Quidditch player. He even has a cheering squad of girls from all houses, well, excluding Slytherin. I’m surprised he isn’t signing autographs yet; if he ever does, I think I’ll be in line for the first one. I feel privileged just to know the guy, as corny as that may sound.
He doesn’t hold any grudges against me that I know of at least. Lucky James, he’s got the perfect girlfriend and the good looks, like Sirius and Remus, mind. That’s another thing I lack. He even has a healthy income of riches from his father, and don’t forget the Invisibility cloak he owns. They’re rare those. James’ father is so awesome, in fact that’s another reason I wish I were Prongs. The perfect life he lives, man I’d give anything for that…just to be James for a day. At least his father doesn’t abuse him like mine does, always has. I’m always broke, too. I mean, who would give me money? Or presents? The Marauders, that’s who. Well, I don’t think Sirius has ever given me much more then a handful of chocolate frogs for Christmas. Not that I’m trying to make Sirius sound like a bastard or anything, oh no, he’s far from that. Maybe you could call him an admirable one. James is the lucky bastard.
My best friend is Remus Lupin. I could rattle on for hours about my miserable life and he would listen to every word. He’s always been there for me, Remus. At least done his best to be. Makes sure to shower me with hugs when I’m depressed, and always drowns me in praise when I get something right. He always makes sure I’ve finished all my work and helps me with the parts I can’t do, before we go out on adventures. If it weren’t for him and James, I wouldn’t be half the wizard I am not. Which isn’t really much. I get scared of Remus sometimes, though. Around the full moon when he transforms, I make sure I don’t get to close to the beast he becomes. It wouldn’t take much to make a meal out of me.
I’ve always liked rats, and Remus once said I reminded him of a sneaky rodent. He calls me ‘Sneaky’, because I’m so small and am always the one to calm the Whomping Willow.
It was Remus who brought me into the group, and who convinced Sirius I was worthy of their friendship. I’d be lost without the three of them, though. I am grateful of Sirius for always being there when Severus Snape has launched an attack on me. That’s one thing he does, protect me from the Slytherin’s who have made a hobby of tormenting the Marauders.
I shake my head, trying to clear all the depressed thoughts that have collected there. I think I’ve missed dinner, and probably lunch too. Not that anyone seems to have missed me, no one has come looking for me yet. I must have been sitting there in the corner for a few hours now, sobbing constantly. My throat is sore and hoarse from my crying and my eyes are red and puffy. Maybe I should just transform to Wormtail and hide under my bed for a few weeks, I don’t think anyone would bother sending out a search party.
I jump as the dormitory door swings open with force and bangs against the stone wall. Sirius, Remus and James file in, stripping off their robes and scarves and tossing them onto their beds. I watch from my dark corner, quietly, waiting in hope that one of them might notice me.
James comments on the cold temperature and shuts the window, blocking out the moaning of the winter gale. Sirius collapses onto his bed and begins planning their night time adventure out loud, James grins mischievously and joins him on his bed to share cunning ideas.
Remus sits on his own bed and stares at the floor, seeming to be lost in his own thoughts. I pull my robes around myself a little tighter and wriggled further into the corner, hoping to be swallowed up by the shadows.
“Right then, James grab your cloak. C’mon Remy.” Sirius stands up and seizes his own discarded robes from the foot of his bed.
“Coming, Moony?” James turns to Remus and asks. “Maybe we’ll find him on our wanderings. We haven’t checked the Shack yet.”
James follows Sirius from the dormitory and waits outside for Remus. I wonder what James meant by ‘maybe we’ll find him on our wanderings’, surely he couldn’t have meant me. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t notice I was gone. I watch Remus as he stands and walks towards the door to leave. I sigh, another lonely night. But Moony hesitates before exiting and looks around; his amber eyes meet with my pale hazel ones.
“Wormtail!” He exclaims and walks over to me, crouching down in front of me with a smile on his face. “We’ve been looking all over for you! Have you been in here all the while? Oh, we didn’t think to check the dorms.”
Well, I guess I was wrong. They had been looking for me, he may as well have just said he and James had been searching though. Sirius was just tagging along for the ride. Remus must have noticed my tear-stained cheeks and forlorn expression; his face is marked with concern. “Are you alright, Peter?”
I feel warm inside, like someone had just lit a lantern within me. I felt a smile crawl across my lips. It made me happy to know someone cared. “Y—yeah,” I stammer.
He calls out to the pair waiting outside, “I’ll catch up to you.”
“Are you hungry? You missed dinner,” Remus leans against the wall and slides to a sitting position. “Maybe we can rob the kitchens for you.”
“I’m not really hungry, but thankyou anyway.” I say, really not knowing if that was the understatement of the year or not. I guess it was, my stomach gave an audible growl as I thought of food.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” He asks, giving me a reassuring smile. I trust Remus and I don’t even hesitate to tell him. He sits and listens to me intently, taking in every word I say and offering me advice.
“Peter,” he begins. “I will prove to you that Sirius doesn’t hate you. Look, I brought you back some Fizzing Whizbees from Honeydukes. You’ll get to a fair share in the Butterbeer, too.”
I don’t know why Remus treats me so well. Maybe he knows what it’s like to feel abused and lonely. Only he hurts himself, not his family and he always has Sirius and James. He’s like a big brother to me, more so then a friend. He always sees things from both points of view before judging anything.
I smile and laugh as he ruffles my hair playfully. I’m shocked at what he says next, “Peter, can I tell you something? I don’t know why, I just have to tell someone. I have to get this off my chest.”
I wonder what he’s going to tell me, but feel privileged to be the first to hear something for once. “Sure, I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“You better not, Wormy,” he gives me a stern look. “Well, I—I don’t exactly know how to say this. But, um. I love Sirius.”
I can’t stop the surprised expression from spreading across my face. My eyes widen and my mouth drops open, probably like when he told us he was a Werewolf. “You love Sirius?”
“Yeah, I do.” He looks down, his cheeks are flushed red and he seems embarrassed.
I don’t know what to say exactly, “that’s…that’s great!”
He looks up, with a relieved look. “You don’t think, I mean I doubt Sirius would ever feel the same way.” He gives me a sad smile and then looks over at the closed window.
I am still stunned by the news but battle with my mind to come up with something reassuring to tell him. “You never know, Moony. He might be head over heels in love with you.”
He laughs lightly and looks back to me, “that would be good. You know I’ve liked him since second year when I realised I didn’t just want a friendship. I wanted more then friendly hugs and play fights, but I was only twelve and I was only new to the whole feel of love.” He laughs again. “The crush just kept growing I guess, and it got so bad at the start of fourth year when you all became Animagi for me, that I thought I’d die if I looked at him.”
I continue listening, its Remus doing the talking for once. He fumbles with the chain around his neck that Sirius gave him as a Christmas gift. “Well, I’m sixteen now and there’s not much time at Hogwarts left. I have to tell him before we leave. Can you make sure I do that? Bully me into it, please.”
I could never bully someone just the thought scares me. I don’t think I would even know how to say no if it were to save my life. I’m such a coward, I even admit it. Remus tells me that’s not true because I’m in Gryffindor and the hat knows best. Sometimes I think that the hat couldn’t see some of my faults and inner thoughts, but the hat said itself that there’s nothing in my head it can’t see.
“Yeah, of course.” I say and give him a trusting smile. “Are you going to tell James?”
“Not just yet,” he looks thoughtful for a moment. “He’ll tell Lily, and she’ll tell all of Gryffindor. Then I’ll be in trouble.”
Why does he trust me? How does he know I won’t run off and tell anyone? I’m not even tempted by the thought, but it perplexes me that he would entrust me with this information before his closest friends.
“I think you two would make a good couple,” I giggle and feel my own cheeks colouring. I don’t have a problem with that thought, but it makes me laugh just to think.
“We’re both dogs, that’s a start.” He laughs with me and then sighs deeply. “I wish I had the courage to tell him, right now. Could you imagine his face? What do you think he’d say or do?”
I really have to think about that, but all I can see is Sirius’ face bearing down on me and laughing at me. “I think he’d think you were joking. Sirius takes everything as a joke.”
“Maybe,” he smiles happily. I think he’s day dreaming about Padfoot by the look on his face. “When should I tell him, Peter?”
“Umm, when you are ready to, I guess.” That’s the only logical thing that comes to my mind.
“I think I’m ready to, I just don’t know how to tell him.” He sighs again and runs a hand through his honey brown hair. I wish I could help him, if I had to I’d even find the courage to tell Sirius for him. But that’s not what he would want me to do.
“Maybe James and I could set you up?” I suggested. I wasn’t being serious but I think he took it that way.
“No, don’t do anything please, Peter.” He looks at me and then smiles, “how about we go and get you some dinner? And lunch? Why don’t we grab some supper while we’re at it?”
“That’s a great idea,” I say as he helps me to my feet. I have almost forgotten my worries now; Remus had certainly made me feel better. I was grateful of it, too.
We exit the dormitory and head down to the Portrait hole. The common room is empty apart from a fourth year boy who has fallen asleep in front of the fire. It must be late; I look at my watch. It’s half past twelve already, the last time I looked at the time it had been six o’clock. Hours usually drag by when you’re depressed, for some reason my hours seemed to have rushed by.
“I’ll be damned if I know where Prongs and Padfoot went,” Remus laughs and looks up the length of the corridor as we scramble through the portrait. “Were you listening to what they were planning?”
I shake my head. I’d been too lost in my thoughts to hear what they had been discussing. “No, I wasn’t listening.”
“Hmmm,” he ponders. “Well, we don’t have the cloak. But, I do have the map in my pocket.”
Remus is usually the one to look after the Marauder’s map, because he looked so innocent and Sirius had decided he would be the last person people would suspect mischief from. Sirius had had one too many incidents with Filibuster Fireworks, resulting in his reputation being swayed.
I watch as Remus pulls out the map. Oh our trusty map, it had been Sirius and James’ idea to create that map. When we first became Animagi, so we’d be able to stay out of trouble as much as possible.
We all had our knowledge of the castle, and of simple tricky charms. But put three incredibly witty minds together, including one of the smartest in our year, and you get the Marauder’s map as a result. I didn’t have much input into the design, as my spell casting abilities only stretch so far. I’ve mentioned before I have no gift in wand waving, not like the others do anyway.
I played an important role in the mapping of Hogwarts, however. As a rodent is small and very agile, I could squeeze through the tightest gaps and sneak under doors and through places where the others’ could not. We did a lot of our mapping of the castle without Remus, as he was subjected to the safety of the Shack. He couldn’t join us inside the castle whilst in wolf form, as much as we would have loved to run into Snape with him; we had to think of the other students.
You couldn’t take a werewolf anywhere near people in that state, though we managed around Hogsmeade. As long as we had Padfoot and Prongs to keep Moony under control we were fairly free to roam wherever we liked.
“Ahhh,” Remus interrupts me from my thoughts. “They’re down in the store room next to the kitchen where we left the Butterbeer.”
“Why am I not surprised,” I laugh. Where else would Sirius be? If there’s food and Butterbeer around, then he’s not hard to find.
We head off towards the kitchens, along our familiar route. How many times have I walked this path? Not as many as the others, that’s for sure. I know they sneak out at night and don’t bother waking me. I am starting to think of it as a treat to be taken on midnight snack runs. Those aren’t as important as adventures to Hogsmeade, though. As you can guarantee Sirius will be hungry during the night at least six times a week, if not more. So it happens on a regular basis.
He has taken me along a couple of times, even once without Remus or James. Although that was so tense you could almost taste the resentment he holds towards me. Most of the time he’ll drag Remus out of bed, or James. I think it depends on what he’s intending to eat and what mood he is in. James is a fussy eater and also a deep sleeper, he’s extremely hard to wake up. Not as bad as Remus can be.
I’m glad I don’t have the task of waking Remus up, I haven’t had to for awhile now. But last time I did, it was the morning before the full moon and Remus had bolted upright snarling and growling at me. It had been a painfully frightening experience, having his nails digging into my arm and his teeth bared inches from my face.
He hadn’t stopped apologising for that incident for weeks, so much so that he began to make me feel guilty for screaming and looking terrified. Poor Remus, he can’t always control the werewolf impulses that raged deep inside him.
“We asked the elves to guard our treasure,” Remus once again startles me from thought. He gives me a mischievous grin that reminds me of the look Sirius and James always wear. “They are loyal things, those elves.”
Remus is a lot better at hiding his feelings; he has a lot of control. I think it comes from being a werewolf and constantly battling with yourself. He does show emotion a lot, just less so then Sirius.
Sirius isn’t that great at masking what he’s thinking. More often then not, he is wearing that childish grin that suggests trouble is in the making. It would be an interesting experience, to be inside Sirius’ head. I think you’d get tangled up in mischief, either that or drown in his wild insane thoughts.
I must admit he comes up with some great ideas. He is usually the one to author the plans to our outings, or to come up with excuses in the face of trouble. Being the strongest personality in the group, he always strives to pick fights with Severus. Sometimes its funny, watching their ongoing rivalry; which from where it evolved I have no idea. Other times you just want to knock some sense into that Gryffindor, after all he can be a very stubborn git. Not that I am suggesting I would be the one to knock sense into him, oh no. Someone else can do that.
I don’t think Sirius understands the word no, to tell you the truth. Well, I know he doesn’t know when to stop. He’ll carry on an argument with the Slytherin’s for days and won’t stop until he’s satisfied they got what they deserved. Even if it results in both parties receiving detention and deductions from house points.
You know, I think Sirius probably does know how to say no and where to draw the line. I think it’s just his nature to see things through to the end. That’s what I mean about him being strong. I could never stand up to those gits that’s for sure.
James would probably do just about the same, but I think he has more dignity and pride then Sirius; who doesn’t appear to have shame. James usually plays by the rules in the face of others, well when he’s not on a Marauder escapade. Occasionally some cheek will leak into his speech and surprise the rest of the class. Just not as often as Sirius who usually answers for us; in fact I think James is getting a lot worse. If you ask me, Sirius is slowly corrupting him. I think those two are better friends then I originally thought, not in a relationship type sense though.
Remus is a bit like James, although a lot quieter. You wouldn’t think any of them were quiet if you went to class with them, but if you know them well enough then you know who’s who and what they’re thinking.
I, on the other hand am much quieter then the rest. Sirius is convinced I’m plotting things, but he’s only joking. I can understand why people would think I’m up to something, you know how they say never trust the quiet ones. I have to laugh at this, because as much as they joke about me being evil they know that someone as harmless as me couldn’t even kill a mosquito if it bit me.
That’s true, I wouldn’t harm a fly. Unless it was an accident of course, then it wouldn’t have been intentional.
It seems to be taking longer to get to the kitchens then usual. I figure that’s because Remus and I don’t have the cloak with us and have to rely on being as silent as mice, well as rats you might say.
At night things are ten times louder than they are in the day. I don’t know why, maybe because you’re more alert, your other senses are kicking in because you can’t see as well. But for whatever reason it’s not always the most pleasant of things, because your mind tries to play tricks on you.
The darkness shapes and moulds your fears like a Boggart; sometimes it can be quite frightening. Especially if you’re alone, and not to mention that the Hogwarts castle echoes noises and your own footsteps to an incredible volume. You’d almost believe you were waking the whole building, it rebounds so loudly off the walls.
Finally we reach the fruit portrait and Remus reaches up to tickle the pear. We clamber through the opening and I try to adjust my eyes to the darkness. Remus never has trouble seeing in the dark, it’s amazing. He can see almost as clearly as day despite the black surrounding him, I wish I had that ability.
Being a rat, the only change that occurs when I transform is my eye sight dims and I have to rely entirely on my sense of smell and touch of my whiskers. Although, I’m told the effects of being the animal are lessoned because you still have half a human mind that stays in control.
I follow Remus through the silent room towards a dim light that’s shining through a door. I can hear James and Sirius almost immediately; they are making one hell of a racquet. Their laughter and chatter is leaking under the door and echoing through the kitchen. It’s a wonder they haven’t attracted any Professor’s yet.
“Stupid gits have locked us out,” Remus rattled the door nob and laughed. He drew out his wand and whispered. “Alohomora.”
The door banged into something on the other side and drew a yelp from what sounded like James. They both looked up in surprise from their places on the floor, the lights from their wands’ glowing against their features.
“You scared us, Moony!” Sirius exclaims and then stands to wrap his arms around Remus. He dropped the bottle he was holding and it hit the ground with a loud clang. Sirius gurgled incoherently and laughed, “oops!”
“Sirius! You should have a silencing spell on this door!” Remus exclaims and draws back from Padfoot’s arms. “You can here you two from out in the corridor.”
“Ohhh, Jamesy did you hear that?” Sirius stammers and laughs, he sways on his feet and looks to Prongs. “He wants a—*hiccup*–silencing charm! Some—*hiccup*—one’s a little feisty aren’t they, Remy?”
I watch Sirius grab Remus’ ass cheeks and swallow hard. This is going to be interesting, and somewhat uncomfortable for James and I to observe. Not that I want to or anything, but I see this leading further then my comfort zone.
Remus catches his breath and closes his eyes, then pulls away from Sirius. “Paddy, how much have you had to drink?”
“About seven bottles of Butterbeer,” James points to the collection of empty brown glass bottles in the corner. “I am quite sober though, thank you very much.”
I slide down the wall and put as much space between incoherent Sirius and I that I can.
I am finally beginning to realise it. I am falling for Remus Lupin. Oh gods, why? I can’t do that I mean he’s my friend and, and well why would anyone ever like me? Maybe Remus would but he loves Sirius and he could, well never would stoop to my level to return love to such a low creature like me.
Tears are welling in my eyes, again. This is such a common occurrence these days and it’s always somehow related to Sirius Black, he is the force behind my tears. He is so much better then me and everyone likes him, I’m beginning to think I’m growing jealous of him.
In fact I am, and I’m growing angry inside. From that anger is sprouting an almost invisible courage, its barely there. But it’s a rage that’s driving me insane, beginning to make me crave for revenge. I can taste it, I’m so thirsty for vengeance and I can’t stop myself from thinking horrible thoughts.
How could I ever think like this? Oh gods, I would never ever want to hurt Sirius. Because I would hurt Remus, besides I don’t know how to hurt someone on purpose its not in my nature. I think it’s impossible to hurt somebody on my own without help. Maybe I could hurt him, because I’m scared.
I’m going insane and fear can drive you to do unthinkable things. I am starting to wonder how to hit a soft spot with Sirius. He wares a hard shell that from what I can tell is hard to crack unless you hurt one of his best friends, which I of course would never do. I couldn’t hurt James or Remus, oh no, they mean too much to me.
That’s something I find hard to believe I would ever be capable of. I just wish someone would hit me over the head really hard and make these horrible thoughts go away. I wish someone would just end my pain that I’ve endured since I was young.
There’s just no escape as far as I can see. It cuts into you like a knife penetrating skin at an intolerably slow rate and causes you to see horrible things in your mind.
I don’t know whether to trust this stranger from the pub, I honestly don’t. It’s always after I’ve spoken to him that I feel this rush of hate and anger, it lasts for hours until someone brings me to my senses. Somehow this man has an ability to make you tell all you know, like he has control over my mind or something. All I know is he has this really calming effect over me and that’s why I go and see him.
It’s the only way I *can* escape. Its like I'm floating in a sea of calmness and all those images of Sirius bearing over me and people controlling my life are gone, its just…well its just *nothing*. He says one word; one single word that leaves me upside down and churning through a world of soft pastel colours and rose scented air.
I can’t remember what the exact spell he uses is but it sounds something like ‘Imperial’ or something. All I know is that he has a power that draws me back for more, and I can’t help but feel that I’m falling into a trap of some kind.
Although, I’m not the brightest person so I am most probably wrong. It’s just the freedom that he offers me and the understanding he possess…not like Remus. In fact now I think about it, I prefer Remus’ counselling and I don’t know why in the name of Merlin I meet up with him. I think I will stop. That’s why I’m seeing these horrible images, it’s because of him.
The divination professor told me that something evil was going to cross my path and that I have no control over it. Figures. I never have control over anything, not even my own mind. James told me it was a load of dragon shit and to let it go, but I’ve been having constant nightmares for weeks. Ever since she told me and you know it always involves this stranger from ‘the three broomsticks’.
I think that the fear is building in me, the angers starting to wear off and being replaced by this dread. I don’t know what to do, its like being cornered by something ten times bigger then you and knowing that you’re going to die or suffer badly and be left in agony. I’m too weak for my own good, I feel like there’s nothing I can do and I wish I wasn’t so helpless.
I’m scared for my friends; I don’t care what this ‘evil’ does to me as long as it doesn’t hurt them.
He’s found the perfect guy for his job, a weak cowardly bastard who can barely use a wand and seeks revenge. Someone who can’t resist the slightest offering of power and protection from the bullies in his world and who is within this circle of friends. Yet I don’t want to hurt Sirius, I never meant it. Why did I ever tell him that I wanted to get him back for all the tormenting?? Why oh gods have I done this??